How I Found Recovery! Part 14

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 27 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5476 DAYS!

My phone was ringing off the hook once the word got out that I had lost the baby. I really didn't want to talk to anyone. For everyone person that I didn't talk to, two would show up at my door.

My doctor called me to see how I was doing and he told me that he could give me something to calm me down.......I thought to myself okay, it's a prescription so I could take it. I told him okay. When I hung up the phone I thought for a minute I can't do that, I knew damn well where that would lead me, so I called his office back and told the nurse that I didn't want the doctor to call me in a prescription. I sat on my couch and I couldn't get the thought out of my head that I had just been through a horrible ordeal and if it was prescribed by a doctor why shouldn't I have something to calm me down, so I dial the phone again and talk to the nurse and told her I changed my mind that it would be okay for the doctor to give me something.

My thoughts were all over the place and the tears kept flowing and I felt like I had this hole in the middle of my heart, so taking something to ease that pain is just what I needed. Just then Tom's sponsor Bob called me and I told him that I would be fine and that the doctor was going to give me something to calm myself down. Bob then said to me that he thought it was a bad idea to take anything and that I needed to talk to my sponsor before I did anything. We talked for awhile and one thing that he said sticks in my mind all the time. "YOU CAN'T FILL A GOD SIZED WHOLE WITH ANYTHING BUT GOD", I'm not a very religious person, but I got to thinking about that and before I knew it, I had called the doctors office once again and told the nurse that I didn't want any kind of drug and that if I called back again she needed to just hang up on me. You see I wanted to self medicate again to take away the pain I was feeling so I wouldn't have to feel anything, but I knew deep down that I needed to deal with was in front of me. So that night I went to a meeting and shared what I was feeling and although it was hard to talk without sobbing everyone there helped me get through it. There were two girls at the meeting that night that were pregnant, we kind of all found out at the same time. One girl was 22 with only 6 months clean, and the other girl was actually my sponsee. She was a married woman only she was pregnant with another man's child. The same question kept going through my mind, God why me?, I'm living my life in a good way, married, taking care of another child and yet you take away my child. I had to look deep inside my soul and still be able to be there for these girls especially the one I sponsored. With the help of my sponsor and my support group I did just that. I continued to go to meetings every night and share what I was feeling and through the grace of God I somehow became okay. (Wow what a difference I was beginning to be okay without the use of drugs) As much as I wanted more children I just somehow knew that God had another plan for me and it just wasn't to be. I was just grateful for the child I had, that I was given the gift of being a mother.

The months and days and years continued to fly by. We were leaving for Buffalo, New York to attend my family reunion. It was the first time going to a reunion clean and sober. The reunion was great and then I call home to get our messages and it was filled to capacity. Not one person who left a message said what it was about but that I needed to just call them. Finally when I reach my friend Mike he tells me something that once again I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Tom's sponsor Bob and his girlfriend were taking flying lessons in Atlanta and the plane crashed and that they both had died. Needless to say Tom and I were both devastated. Bob was a very instrumental part of both of our recovery and he was a big part of our life and he is missed everyday, there isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of him. We Love You Bob.

To be continued..........