Serenity..............

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 15 YEARS!
A TOTAL OF 5479 DAYS!

Throughout the course of writing my story I had been asked where I found my strength. I'm not a very religious person, but one prayer that was constant in my everyday life of recovery was the Serenity Prayer. It is a prayer that was adopted by all 12 Step Programs.

GOD . . .
Grant us the Serenity to accept the things we cannot change.
The Courage to change the things we can . . .
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Each line of this prayer helped me:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The first line of the prayer is asking us to know when to let things go, and to let them go with peace. Every day there will come into our lives people and situations we have no control over. When we can realize that we have no power to change them, we can start working on what we can change, which is ourselves and how we react to certain people and situations.

The courage to change the things I can.

The second line of the prayer is a reminder that it can, indeed, take courage to make changes in our lives. Change may be very frightening for some, even if it is moving from a bad situation into a better situation. Letting go of negative relationships and situations are not always easy. We may still love the person; we may be use to the situation, and find the familiarity comforting. That is why it is important to ask for the courage to be able to make these changes and to remember that no one is expected to do this on their own. Whether we turn to a higher power, close friends or family, or a family doctor or counselor, there is someone there to help make the transition a little easier.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

This may be the most important part of the prayer, for if we lack the wisdom to know when change is possible or not, we may find ourselves beating our heads against the proverbial “brick wall.” We have to remember that we cannot force other people to change, and that sometimes we have no power to change certain situations. Sometimes it is actually just better to move ourselves out of that situation rather than try to force change on others.

The key to happiness does not lie in changing our outer world, but in changing how we see the outer world by changing our inner world. Serenity is found within us, and one way to find that inner peace is to follow the steps of the Serenity Prayer.

How I Found Recovery! Part 15

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 28 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5477 DAYS!

Tom was still working down in New Hope, Pa and traveling back and forth now for years. It was starting to take a toll on all of us. So we decided that we would start looking to move to Bucks County. Although it was hard to leave my family and friends I knew that it was time to become the whole family, not just a part-time family. Life was too short not to be able to spend time together. I needed a full-time husband and Kyra needed a full-time dad. It was one of the best moves we ever decided to make.

Shortly after moving to Bucks County, Kyra was complaining about her legs always being sore. I really thought it was just growing pains, until one day she was sitting on the floor and she couldn't cross her legs to sit Indian style, I also noticed that when she sat for a long period of time when she got up to walk she would hobble and her knees were all swollen. It reminded me so much of my mother when her arthritis was really bad. I took her to the doctors and they first diagnosed her with Chrondomalacia which is a condition in which the cartilage beneath the kneecap becomes softened. The doctor told me it was common in girls her age who were active especially if they were dancers. I wasn't really happy with that because like I said it reminded me so much of my mother and I asked him to run blood work for arthritis. When the test came back it didn't support any signs of arthritis I asked him if he would get us into Children's Hospital in Philadelphia to see an Orthopedic doctor. He made us an appointment and the doctor confirmed that it was indeed Chrondomalacia, however he only went by the ex-rays that our family doctor had sent to him. The doctor in Philly wanted her to go for physical therapy. After several appointments with the physical therapist, he said to me, I don't believe this is helping, he said I think I'm hurting her more than I'm helping her. He said I think she has a form of arthritis. So I call my family doctor back and he was somewhat taken back about me asking if he could get us an appointment again at Children's Hospital but with a Rheumatologist. He told me if I wanted one I needed to do it myself. I waited 3 weeks for an appointment. Finally when we get to her appointment and the doctor sees her for the first time, he looks at her ankles, knees, fingers, arms, and her jaw. He turns to both Tom and I and said this kid is loaded with arthritis. She was diagnosed with Juvenile Psoriatic Arthritis. I asked him if this is something that she may out grow, he looked me straight in the eyes and said she would never outgrow it, however it can go into a remission. I asked him what are the chances that would happen, his response was either she will be in remission by the time she is 16 years old or that she will be in a wheelchair. He immediately started her on a steroid, followed by Embrel and Methotrexate which is used for the primary treatment of psoriasis and certain cancers. We would give her the shots of both medications. However the embrel burned as it was injected into her little body. After discussing this with her doctor at Children's Hospital, he told us that there was another medicine that was very good called Remicade, but that we would have to take her to Children's Hospital to get it because it was given to children intravenously. He also discussed with us the fact that because of these medications that her resistance would be very low. She needed to have blood work taken every month to make sure her counts would be okay. Kyra is still continuing to get the medicine once a month and I'm happy to report that it has been working good and she is living the life that an 11 year old should live except for the fact that she catches every flu that has been out this year.

I can't believe how the years have passed, we have been living in New Hope for 5 years and I'm getting ready to celebrate 15 years clean, and Kyra is getting ready to finish 6th grade.

As you can see I have come along way from where I was at 15 years ago, I've worked really hard in my recovery to be where I'm at today. Although we all still have to live life on life's terms I have learned not to take the easier and softer way to deal with situations at hand, and I know that "Just For Today" I can get through life without the use of drugs.

It took several years, but I learned to be grateful for my addiction and the program of recovery it forced me into, for all the things that had happened to me and for me, for a life today that transcends and far exceeds anything I had previously known. I could not have that today if I had not experienced the yesterdays.... Adversity truly introduces us to ourselves, but we need never deal with our adversities alone as long as we have friends. Through adversity I found strength. Life didn't end when I got clean........IT STARTED

Oh and one last thing!

" My name is Lori and I'm a grateful recovering addict and thank you all for letting me share my story". Your support has been so overwhelming and I love each and every one of you........

The End!

How I Found Recovery! Part 14

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 27 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5476 DAYS!

My phone was ringing off the hook once the word got out that I had lost the baby. I really didn't want to talk to anyone. For everyone person that I didn't talk to, two would show up at my door.

My doctor called me to see how I was doing and he told me that he could give me something to calm me down.......I thought to myself okay, it's a prescription so I could take it. I told him okay. When I hung up the phone I thought for a minute I can't do that, I knew damn well where that would lead me, so I called his office back and told the nurse that I didn't want the doctor to call me in a prescription. I sat on my couch and I couldn't get the thought out of my head that I had just been through a horrible ordeal and if it was prescribed by a doctor why shouldn't I have something to calm me down, so I dial the phone again and talk to the nurse and told her I changed my mind that it would be okay for the doctor to give me something.

My thoughts were all over the place and the tears kept flowing and I felt like I had this hole in the middle of my heart, so taking something to ease that pain is just what I needed. Just then Tom's sponsor Bob called me and I told him that I would be fine and that the doctor was going to give me something to calm myself down. Bob then said to me that he thought it was a bad idea to take anything and that I needed to talk to my sponsor before I did anything. We talked for awhile and one thing that he said sticks in my mind all the time. "YOU CAN'T FILL A GOD SIZED WHOLE WITH ANYTHING BUT GOD", I'm not a very religious person, but I got to thinking about that and before I knew it, I had called the doctors office once again and told the nurse that I didn't want any kind of drug and that if I called back again she needed to just hang up on me. You see I wanted to self medicate again to take away the pain I was feeling so I wouldn't have to feel anything, but I knew deep down that I needed to deal with was in front of me. So that night I went to a meeting and shared what I was feeling and although it was hard to talk without sobbing everyone there helped me get through it. There were two girls at the meeting that night that were pregnant, we kind of all found out at the same time. One girl was 22 with only 6 months clean, and the other girl was actually my sponsee. She was a married woman only she was pregnant with another man's child. The same question kept going through my mind, God why me?, I'm living my life in a good way, married, taking care of another child and yet you take away my child. I had to look deep inside my soul and still be able to be there for these girls especially the one I sponsored. With the help of my sponsor and my support group I did just that. I continued to go to meetings every night and share what I was feeling and through the grace of God I somehow became okay. (Wow what a difference I was beginning to be okay without the use of drugs) As much as I wanted more children I just somehow knew that God had another plan for me and it just wasn't to be. I was just grateful for the child I had, that I was given the gift of being a mother.

The months and days and years continued to fly by. We were leaving for Buffalo, New York to attend my family reunion. It was the first time going to a reunion clean and sober. The reunion was great and then I call home to get our messages and it was filled to capacity. Not one person who left a message said what it was about but that I needed to just call them. Finally when I reach my friend Mike he tells me something that once again I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Tom's sponsor Bob and his girlfriend were taking flying lessons in Atlanta and the plane crashed and that they both had died. Needless to say Tom and I were both devastated. Bob was a very instrumental part of both of our recovery and he was a big part of our life and he is missed everyday, there isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of him. We Love You Bob.

To be continued..........

How I Found Recovery! Part 13

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 26 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5475 DAYS!

Driving home my contractions were 6 mins apart. My friend Bev was driving with us in case something happened on the way home she would be there for Kyra. Once we arrived back in Kingston, we dropped Bev and Kyra off at her house and I wanted to go home first. I needed to get a shower before we went to the hospital. I think at this point I was just trying to avoid the inevitable, my thoughts were that the pain would go away and all would be well. When we finally walked in the door, I told Tom to get a shower first, I called my doctor to let him know that we were back in town and I told him I would meet him at the hospital in Scranton. Once Tom was out of the shower and I got up from the couch I started to hemmorage, I saw the look on Tom's face and it was a look that I had never seen before. He immediately called the ambulance, and once they arrived I was still trying to tell them I was okay. Tom was going to follow the ambulance since we were 35 mins from the hospital. I can remember on the way to the hospital the paramedics calling the hospital and giving them my vitals, as a nurse I knew all to well that it wasn't good, my blood pressure had dropped to almost nothing. Once we arrived at the hospital they brought me right to labor and delivery and the first nurse that I see was my friend, the nurse I mentioned in one of my earlier posts when she was in the ICU. She had now been working in labor and delivery for about 3 years. My contractions were only 3 mins apart and I was dilated to almost 10 centimeters. The doctor told me they were going to do everything in their power to save my baby. Once I delivered my little girl they handed her right to me, she could fit in the palm of my hand. I counted her toes and fingers and thought and she looked just like Kyra. I looked at Tom and I could see tears running down his face, my girlfriend the nurse had tears in her eyes and the doctor had such a sad look on his face. My baby girl had died in my arms. It was just too much for me to bear handing over the baby to anyone. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought if I just hugged her and kissed her she would start breathing again. I could hear the doctor saying it's time to give us the baby...... I could also hear one of the nurses saying that I needed to name her. I named her after my grandmother Mary Elizabeth. Once they took the baby out of the room, they told me that they were going to move me to a private room. I said no that I wanted to go home, they all looked at me like I had 9 heads including my husband. But there was no way I was staying there, I wanted to go get Kyra and go home and curl up on my couch and hide from the world.

Before they would release me they said I needed to talk to a social worker and it seemed liked hours and hours before one came. Once the social worker came to talk to Tom and I, she told us that we needed to call a funeral home. Tom and I looked at each other and neither one of us could really speak we weren't sure why they were going to put us through all that. The social worker explained that even though the baby lived for only 7 mins she had life and in the state of Pennsylvania it is mandated that an undertaker come and pick up the body. Tom called one of the local funeral homes and they told him they would come down and pick the baby up and call us the next morning.

I don't remember much of the ride home I was pretty much in a daze and couldn't stop crying. When we picked Kyra up all I could do was hold her and cry some more. I could remember Kyra saying, "Mommy it's okay and I love you"

The next day I called our priest and asked him if it was okay to have the baby cremated. In the catholic religion that use to be a no no. The priest gave me dispensation to do what I felt I needed to do. When the undertaker arrived we told him what we wanted to do. He asked if I wanted the baby to be dressed. Of course I do, she was my baby girl. I picked out a little angel urn to be her final resting place.

To be continued............

How I Found Recovery! Part 12

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 25 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5474 DAYS!

The days, weeks and months seemed to be flying by. Another year had past. Tom was gone all day and part of the night and Kyra and I did our thing. Kyra was getting ready to start pre-school. I wasn't sure I was ready to let go but I knew it would be the best thing for her. The first day of pre-school when Tom and I dropped her off she was so excited... most of the little tots were crying but Kyra acted like she couldn't wait for us to leave, I was so sad, as tears were rolling down my face. It was the first time that I had some free time during the day to do whatever. I went home and sat on the couch watching the clock waiting to go pick her up... go figure.... After a few months of going to pre-school when I went to pick her up one day the teacher said to me can I talk to you, I thought oh no what did my kid do, The teacher then asks me if by chance me and my husband are in recovery, well I could feel my face getting red and my answer probably came out with my voice shaking and said yes, why would you ask. She proceeded to tell me that a police officer had come in to talk to the kids about drugs, and for a minute I thought these kids are 3 and 4 years old why would you be speaking to them about drugs but anyway, she said that Kyra raised her hand and told the police officer that her mom and dad are drug addicts. Guessing that the police officer became curious he asked her if she is around drugs, Kyra said no, we go to meetings and my mom and dad don't do that stuff anymore because it's bad. Wow my own daughter broke our anonymity! The police officer called me later that day and told me about the conversation he had with Kyra and proceeded to tell me that he had never met a 3 year old who knew so much. I wasn't sure at that point whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. I can only hope that it's a good thing and that someday when she's old enough to make her own choices that she will remember the things she has heard shared at a meeting and be able to say no.... Time will tell! However I hired a babysitter to sit with her when I went to meetings because she was just this little sponge that remembered everything shared at a meeting. I felt she knew too much at this point and she needed to be just a little kid. Well she made it through 4 months of pre-school until one day when I went to pick her up the teacher asked me again if she could talk to me, once again I though oh no, now what. The teacher proceeded to tell me she feels I'm wasting my money by sending Kyra to pre-school there really wasn't anything they could teach her and she was way to young to move her up to the next level. She said Kyra got mad at the kids who colored outside the lines, she could count well over 100 and she knew her ABC's and that's pretty much what they do for the whole year. I thought to myself is this a way of telling me that my daughter is a pain in the ass! That was her last day of pre-school.

Again my clean date was fast approaching, I couldn't believe it. Wow another year, another celebration. It was shortly after celebrating 6 years that I got pregnant again. I had complications pretty much right from the beginning. The doctor once again put me on progesterone and told me I should get as much rest as possible. I thought this isn't going to be as easy as when I was pregnant with Kyra, because now I had to take care of her. As the months went by I began to feel better. I was asked to speak at an NA convention in Lancaster, Pa in Feb. After talking with my doctor he said it was okay to go as long as I didn't do any heavy lifting. I had attended this convention twice before and it was such an awesome weekend that I felt honored to be asked to share my experience with other recovering addicts. Also Bob who was our best man and Tom's sponsor was also speaking that weekend, he was such a great speaker, and since we really only saw him on holidays because he was getting his masters degree in North Carolina we decided to spend the whole weekend there. My girlfriend Bev and her husband were also going and we decided that we would take the kids, she had a daughter that was 2 years older than Kyra so they could play with each other. Friday night after hearing Bob speak I was feeling somewhat tired and decided that I would call it a night since I was speaking at 10:00am on Sat morning. I got up the next morning feeling good, but I was somewhat nervous about speaking, so after having breakfast with my sponsor who made calmed me down, I knew that I was ready. I spoke for 1 hour and when I was finished this girl who was only 18 years came up to me and told me she had only 2 weeks clean and she asked me to sponsor her. It was a good feeling to know that I at least touched one person's life today.

The night brought us to the big meeting of the weekend. A guy by the name of Big Bob was going to be the main speaker. Big Bob was Tom's sponsor Bob's sponsor so it kind of was all in the family as far as sponsorship goes. During the meeting I was feeling very uncomfortable and feeling a lot of pressure in my stomach. After Big Bob was finished I went to the bathroom and again I saw something that no pregnant woman wants to see. After I told Tom we called my doctor and he wanted me to go right to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital a mid-wife came him to check me along with a nurse and they told me I was 4 centimeters dilated. I said no it can't be I'm only 6 months pregnant. They were very straight forward almost to the point of rudeness. I asked them if they could give me something to stop the labor and the nurse said no your having this baby tonight. I said no I'm not, and I looked at Tom and he agreed with me, not sure if it was by choice or because he knew I was getting ready to walk out of the hospital. I asked them to once again give me something to stop the labor and finally they did. I then discharged myself from the hospital. We get back to the hotel and I call my doctor and told him what they had told me and he told me he wanted me to get to our hospital in Scranton because it had a neonatial unit, as soon as possible but that he didn't want me to travel at night. He told me he would call the hospital in Lancaster and tell them I'll be there in the morning to give me another shot to stop the labor so that I could get home. When I arrived at the hospital the next morning the doctor checked me out and by this time I was 5 centimeters dilated and thought I should let him deliver the baby. He told me there was no chance for the baby to live, I told him I appreciate his kind words but just give me the shot so that I could go home to my doctor.

To be continued............

SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!

I love surprises..... and boy did I get one yesterday. We were sitting out in our back yard on Saturday morning around 11:30 and my phone rings. The gentleman on the other end said, "Hi Lori this is Mark, I respond with I don't know a Mark, he then proceeds to say it's "BAMBAM", I was estactic to hear his voice, and he said to me I think you could use a hug, come out to your driveway and I'll give you one. I was like yeah right, he said no really, just then Aniguy looks through our glass door and he sees two people out there standing in our driveway. SURPRISE, there was BamBam and Pebs standing in our driveway. Wow, wow, wow......... I got my first hug from BamBam and Pebs. I couldn't believe it, they decided to take a drive to Pennsylvania and I was there first stop.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting Bam and Peb's it's a thing that you must do....... Awesome people is the only way to describe these two.

I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend my afternoon, good company, good conversation and many laughs.

So thank you to Bam and Pebs for making my day!

How I Found Recovery! Part 11

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 22 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5471 DAYS!

I was very fortunate that I was able to stay at home and be a "Domestic Engineer" and it was something that I enjoyed very much. Before I knew it a year had passed and I was pregnant again. At this point I had 4 years clean and I was involved in the service end of recover, which means that I went into rehabs and shared my experience, strength and hope. I felt I needed to give back what was so freely given to me. During the first 4 months of my pregnancy I was feeling great until one day I was doubled over in pain. So off to the emergency room I go only to find out that I was having a miscarriage. Although a lot of people said to me you can't miss what you don't have there was still this life that was growing inside me and the feeling of emptiness was so strong inside me that I wanted to take something to make the pain that I was feeling go away. I knew oh so very well how to self medicate myself and feel nothing but the difference between 4 years ago to this time is that I knew there were other ways to deal with my feelings. I also knew that I wasn't willing to sacrifice my recovery and that I needed to deal with it. Not only that I had my daughter to think about, I couldn't do that to her. So with the help of my sponsor and my friends in recovery I got through all the feelings of emptiness. At one point I had to tell them to go home, someone was with me at all times. I know an addict alone is in bad company but I knew that I would be okay if I worked the steps of recovery.

Watching my daughter grow into this little person who had a personality of her own was somewhat amazing to me. I enrolled her in a ballet class for tots. I can remember her first recital, it brought tears to my eyes seeing her on stage for the first time. Yes I'm such a proud mom.

Tom's job was moved to New Hope, Pa. He traveled back and forth everyday, which was a two hour ride to work and a two hour ride home from work. Kyra and I filled our days with reading, watching Barney and going for walks in the park. Our nights were filled with NA meetings. She was known as the official recovery baby.

So by this time I was getting ready to celebrate 5 years clean..... WOW..... what a milestone that was for me. My sponsor who lived in Bucks county came to my celebration meeting to speak, and I can remember so vividly her words, and the feelings she put into her speaking, had she not already been my sponsor, I would have asked her on the spot. She spoke on a Sixth Step, and the reason she spoke on that was I was getting ready to start that step. The sixth step in a 12 step program is this "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Hmmmm!

To be continued........

How I Found Recovery! Part 10

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 21 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5470 DAYS!

I had to quit my job and resign myself to the fact that I would be couch bound. Since I was on bed rest my friends from recovery brought a meeting to me in the comfort of my own home, I have been truly blessed with having such loving and caring friends. I was okay with that knowing that the end result would be my baby. So after very long days, very long weeks, and very, very, very long months our first year anniversary was approaching. Tom was going to take me out for a nice dinner on our anniversary even though I was swollen from head to toe because of the heat that August presents to us but I was game for anything just to get out of the house. Well the morning of our anniversary as I was getting up from the couch around 8:00am I felt this big gush of water come out of me. I call Tom at work and he rushes home to take me to the hospital. Weeeeeeeeee the baby is coming.......... We arrive at the hospital around 9:00 am and I was only 4 centimeters dilated so that meant I had a long road ahead of me. I was determined to do this drug free, well after about 10 hours of being in labor when my doctor came in to check me, I told him that I didn't care about the drug free thing anymore that I was in too much pain and that he should give me a shot of something, it didn't matter if the shot was a shot of whiskey or a painkiller I needed something. Being the good doctor that he was, he said come on Lori you can do this and I'm not going to give you anything that has a narcotic in it, however I will give you a non-narcotic epidural, I was like if it takes away the pain go for it. After being in labor for 17 hours and 55 mins the big moment was here.

Kyra Anastasia came into this world on Aug 2 1996 at 6lbs, 7 oz and 17 inches long. She was born with a head full of hair and she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. (I'm sure every parent says the same thing) She was my miracle baby and I would treat her like the princess she was. We took her home 24 hours after delivery. All my friends and family came to see her right away because they couldn't believe that I finally had a baby. You see I have 17 godchildren and I think the reason being was everyone thought I would never have a baby, and for some reason my friends and family thought I should have children around me. However I do love each and everyone of my godchildren although most of them have their own families now and I don't get to see them at all but they all hold a very special place in my heart.

Well on Aug 5th I would be turning 35, as I sat rocking my baby girl I thought to myself this is what it was all about, a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, my family talked to me now, we had the house with the white picket fence, what more could I ask for. I've heard so many times in an NA meeting to keeping coming back until the miracle happens. Well for me this was my miracle. What I wanted for my birthday was to go to a meeting, lord knows I needed one at that point. Kyra went to her first meeting when she was only 3 days old.

To be continued........

How I Found Recovery! Part 9

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 20 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5469 DAYS!

I had moved to Kingston, Pa which is right over the bridge from Wilkes Barre, and it wasn't long after that, that Tom moved in with me. Now you see coming from an Italian family with my grandmother still living, I was living in sin according to her, and one day while visiting her she said to me, Lori you know that living with a guy is not right, if you love this guy like you say you do then you need to marry him. I tried to tell her that you never buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first, but she had no clue of what I was getting at. I also said to her that if we are sleeping in two different rooms then it isn't a sin. However even though she was 85 years old she wasn't buying it. So after celebrating my 2 years of recovery on May 31st , that August Aniguy and I were married. We got married on August 1, 1995 on a beach in Maine called Fortune Rocks. Aniguy's sponsor Bob had a summer home in Kennybunkport and he and his girlfriend were our best man and maid of honor. Along with them there were several other people from recovery that came from as far away as Nova Scotia, England, and a good friend from Rhode Island. My family was not real happy that I choose to get married this way but if any of you ever experienced an Italian wedding you would know that nothing is small, I really didn't want to have a wedding were I needed to invite no less than 600 people. Now if my parents were alive that would have been a whole different story. I have no regrets, it was so beautiful and one of the happiest days of my life. We stayed in Maine vacationing for 1 month.

After returning home life was good, I continued to pour my heart and soul into my recovery. A friend of mine was getting ready to celebrate 10 years clean up in Scranton his name was Jack. He had invited us to his celebration, he had asked me to give him his 10 year coin at his celebration, I was honored. Well after his celebration we did what mostly all addicts do after a meeting we go for coffee at Denny's. While having coffee I asked Jack what he wanted to do after we left there and he told me he wanted to go to strip club, I said yeah right, he said no really that's what I want to do. I thought to myself people in recovery don't do this kind of thing, but it was his night so I tell Tom what the plan was and his response was you've never even seen a "R" rated movie. He started to laugh. Well low and behold we all get into a car and go to this BYOB strip club. There was Jack and his wife, another friend of ours Joyce and her husband and myself and Tom. What an experience that was, the only thing left to say was that I reaped the rewards when we got home.

It was about a month or so after that, that I started not to feel very good, I was throwing up and having really bad stomach cramps. I thought to myself is God playing a funny trick on me, I'm clean and now I'm going to die...... The pain was so bad one night that Tom brought me to the ER at the local hospital. They ran several tests and when the doctor came in to give me the prognosis, he asked if it was okay to tell me the news in front of my husband, I said of course it is, just tell me doc, am I dying. He laughed and said no, but congratulations you're having a baby. OMG I thought but I was so excited.

Over the course of the next couple of months I continued to work and then Christmas was upon us. Holidays weren't like they use to be especially with my dad dying on Christmas Eve and now my mother being gone. I guess it really never hit me like it did that Christmas because for the first time in my life I was actually happy. I wasn't feeling all that great on Christmas day so we decided we would just stay home and celebrate our first Christmas together alone. I was kind of tired all day so I went and took a nap. After waking up from my nap, I was having a lot of pain. Then it happened something a woman never wants to see when they are pregnant. Tom called my doctor and he told him to bring me to the hospital. Once the doctor examined what he told us to bring with us, he came in and said I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I once again couldn't believe what I was hearing. He said we are going to do a DNC, but I just want to do an ultra sound to make sure that things are what they should be. As he is doing the ultra sound, he kept going to one particular area and being a nurse I knew something was wrong, I wasn't really paying to much attention to the monitor because I was crying and I just wanted to keep my eyes closed hoping some how that this was just a bad dream. I hear him say wow, he said "Lori it's Christmas time and miracles do happen this time of year and your miracle is you were pregnant with twins. You only lost one of the babies. Once again I couldn't believe what I was hearing, only this time it was something good that I was hearing. The doctor ran some further testing and told me that my progesterone levels were low and that I would need to take pills every 4 hours to keep my levels up and that he was putting me on complete best rest for the next 7 months.

To be continued ................

How I Found Recovery! Part 8

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 19 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5468 DAYS!

I went to this program 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. They handed me this paper to fill out, it was close to 50 questions. I didn't know it at the time, but if you answered yes to only 5 of the questions it meant that I had a problem with substance abuse. Well after filling out the whole questionnaire, I had answered yes to 42 questions. It kind of hit me smack dead in the face that I was definitely an addict. They kind of lead me by the hand and told you what needed to be done in order to stay clean. They said that recovery doesn't end in the day program that I needed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. I thought that wasn't so bad, after 90 days I would be cured........Yeah right! My friend Jerry suggested that I go to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) with him and his girlfriend. He told me that he would pick me up and take me to my first meeting. The first meeting I attended was a speaker meeting. The dude that spoke was talking about the first step, I thought what a coincidence.The first step was admitting that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Hmmmmmmmmmm. The dude was a very powerful speaker and some of the things he talked about really hit home. That night when I went to bed I thought to myself that coming from a very strict Italian upbringing, that I was taught to let something or someone else control my life. I thought it can be difficult to acknowledge that I am powerless over my addiction because I already feel powerless in so many other areas of my life, I heard the dude say that getting clean was something I had to do for myself, I asked myself this question, why am I attending the day program, was I just doing it to please my aunt, or do I actually believe that I really have a problem. I did some soul searching and I knew that I had to take a deep look inside myself.

After 2 months I was discharged from the day program. I did however continue to go to a meeting everyday and realized that after 90 days I would not be cured. I also realized that there is no cure for a drug addiction that it is something that I'll have for the rest of my life. It is a disease but I could however put it at rest if I allowed myself to experience the joys of recovery.

One of the first suggestions I heard when I begin attending NA meetings is to get a sponsor. I wasn't sure what that meant and when I asked they simply told me it's one addict helping another. Someone who I can confide in, and someone I can share my feelings with if I'm uncomfortable sharing it in a meeting. I continued to search for that person in the area where I attended meetings, but I was having a hard time, there were only 5 other woman and at the time I was clean the longest. After sharing this at one of the meetings they suggested that I go about 20 minutes from home in Wilkes Barre, Pa where they had meetings sometimes 2 times a day and that had some woman in that area with some significant clean time. So I did just that, I began to go to the Wilkes Barre meetings everyday. I was in search of a sponsor, I listened to all the woman share their experience and finally I had decided who I wanted to ask. I was somewhat afraid that she would say no, but I finally got up the guts to ask her, and she said yes. Her name was Nancy. Nancy sponsored me for about a year. Through the course of the year there had been another woman who I also respected very much. Her name was Lisa, and we had so much in common and she helped me work through some feelings and I felt very comfortable telling her my inner most thoughts. I decided it was time for a new sponsor and Lisa was the one I wanted to ask. So after talking to Nancy about it and explained why I felt that I wanted Lisa, she understood where I was coming from. Lisa sponsored me for about 2 years, and because of things that were going on in her own personal life, she felt like she was doing an injustice to all her sponsee's, so she told us all that she could no longer sponsor anyone. So I was now in search of yet a new sponsor. By this time I had 3 years of recovery going to a meeting everyday in the 3 years because I was afraid not to go, I was afraid that if I didn't go to a meeting that I would use, and at this point I wasn't willing to take that chance. I finally found a sponsor that I had met at an NA convention named Sheri and she still is my sponsor today.

During the course of the years I had stayed clean, I attended many conventions and recovery camp outs. When I had just celebrated a year clean I went to a camp out and met a lot of different people from all over the place. I met this guy in particular who I thought was a arrogant asshole. One thing I learned over the course of the years in recovery was to have an opened mind. Well the arrogant asshole that I speak about became my best friend, and we pretty much did everything together and we were building a relationship that was like no other I had ever experienced. Okay so the arrogant asshole that I speak about is no other than Aniguy........

After talking to my sponsor about my feelings about this guy, she told me to follow my heart and I did just that. So after celebrating my second year clean, Aniguy and I decided that we would take our relationship a little bit further. You see I had a high school sweetheart named Mike and after I went away to school we kind of decided that long distance relationships just don't work. But at that point of my life I didn't want a relationship with anyone, I just wanted a relationship with my first love and that of course we all know as COCAINE.

To be continued...........

How I Found Recovery! Part 7

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 18 DAYS!

A TOTAL OF 5467 DAYS!

By this time, my family pretty much gave up on me because of my drug use, my Aunt Nancy was about the only one that would accept my calls. Both my mothers family and my fathers family wanted nothing to do with me until I got my shit together. I guess that's what you would call the tough love of dealing with an addict. At that point of my life I didn't give a shit about me or anyone else. I hung out with some of my high school friends, but only the ones who liked to do what I did. There was one friend in particular Joey, he was one of the first persons I ever used drugs with back in high school. We were very close friends during our high school years, he ended up marrying one of my girlfriends and they chose me to be the godmother of their first born. Not at that point in my life did it mean much because of the self-centered person I was and the only thing I cared about was drugs. Plus the fact that I had lived in Maryland for many years. When we hooked up again things were not going so great in his life, my girlfriend was doing heroin and she was way out of touch ( you see I wasn't a junkie like her because I didn't use any needles and I would never use heroin) she was out of touch with reality. So Joey and I had each other to share our heartaches. By this time they had more children and he was raising them with the help of his parents. I tried to help as much as I was capable to since I was the oldest child's godmother, it was my duty. During the course of the next several months we were oblivious to the world around us, the only thing we could do was get high for days and then crash for a few days. The money I had from selling my parents house was almost down to nil but it still didn't motivate me to get a job. Since I had lost almost everyone who cared about me or the people I cared about and not really having any contact with my brother or the rest of the family, I was on the road to self-distruct.

From February until May I continued to use more than ever. A friend of mine called me who still lived in Maryland and asked me to meet her at the Baltimore Harbor for Memorial Day weekend. I invited Joey to go along, it was a much needed vacation that we both truly deserved. When I met up with my friend Jill I could tell we had nothing in common anymore. She is this big successful lawyer and I'm a washed up nurse and school teacher. We didn't spend much time together throughout the weekend, I could sense that she was very uncomfortable being around Joey and I because of our drug use so we kind of went our separate ways.

The Sunday before memorial day I couldn't see two feet in front of me, if you asked me my name I wouldn't have been able to tell you. I was so sick almost to the point of death. As a matter of fact I looked like death. I don't remember much more from that day only that I wish that God would put me out of my misery and just let me die. The next morning which was Memorial Day when I finally had some of my senses back I knew at that point I was done, I knew that if I put another chemical in my body the end result was going to be death. I called my Aunt Nancy and asked her if she would come to the Harbor to get me that I was ready to stop using. She asked me if I could finally admit that I was a drug addict and even at this point I hesitated. She told me the only way she would come was if I went into a day program for substance abuse something she had checked out awhile back. I agreed. While I was waiting for her to pick me up, I tried to talk Joey into doing the same thing. I told him that if we continued doing what we were doing that we were going to end of dead, and if he couldn't do it for himself then he needed to do it for his children. He didn't want to hear any of what I had to say. I told him what my plans were and he looked at me like I had nine heads. I gave him a hug and we parted ways, it kind of scared me not knowing if I would ever see him again. I knew that if I didn't leave then that I wasn't going to leave at all.

I wasn't really sure about going to the program that my aunt had checked out but if I wanted any type of relationship with her I needed to follow through on what I said I would do. It took every ounce of my soul to walk into this day program. It turned out that I actually knew some of the other participants, people that I went to school with. Jerry was the guys name and he came up to me and said man I can't believe someone like you is here, you see to him because I came from a good family with mother and father married until the end, and an education and a good solid upbringing, he was somewhat shocked that I would end up where he was at. When he said that to me the first thing I wanted to do was run, but instead it really touched a part of my soul and right then and there something clicked inside me and I wanted to get well, even though I still wasn't sure that I was a drug addict but I wanted to stay to find out.

To be continued..............

How I Found Recovery! Part 6

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 17 DAYS!

A TOTAL OF 5466 DAYS!

It was on February 22, 1993 that she called me in the morning which was a Monday. She said she wasn't feeling all that well and that she had black and blue marks on her arms and legs, but couldn't remember bumping anything. I told her she needed to call the doctor and she said no because she had an appointment with him the next day. She said she was still going to go to Atlantic City so she could take her mind off of how she was feeling. I told her to call me after her doctor's appointment to let me know what he said. I did get the call but it was from the hospital and she told me that he admitted her because the leukemia had returned. I got into my car and drove home to be with her. When I got to the hospital I could sense that it was not good. They let me stay the night. Nurses coming in every 15 mins to check on her. Finally after a long night, the next morning they started chemothearpy again. When she came back to her room, it was filled with all her friends and family. She slept a lot that day even with people coming and going. (Yes during the course of all this, I would take trips to my car to get my friend Cocaine to help me get through all this). It was around 4:00am when a nurse had come in and as she was taking my mom's vitals she realized my mom had slipped into a coma, I called my brother who was in Japan for some basketball tourney and my mothers sisters and brother, one of whom you hear me speak about quite often my Aunt Nancy. She was the first to arrive and the one who I was and am still closest to today. My brother was frantic that he could not catch a flight until the next evening, however I tried to reassure him that I would let my mother know that he was trying to get there as soon as possible. I sat and talked to my mom hoping that somehow she was hearing what I was saying, and I couldn't have said it enough how proud I was that she was my mother and thanking her for all she has done for me in my life. The doctor came in and told me that if she should come out of the coma there was a chance that she would be a vegetable and that he has done everything in his power to do all that he can do. He told me it was just a matter of time. Again I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was going to have to be strong and deal with whatever was to come my way.

On February 25, 1993 my mother joined my father. The only peace I had was knowing that they were going to finally be together.

My mom's mother wasn't in good shape herself and when they told her my mother went into a coma as she was coming down the steps she fell and ended up in the hospital. It was hard for any of my Aunt's to take care of my grandmother so I decided I would move back to Pa and help as much as I could. And when I say as much as I could means that my addiction really was full blown. I can tell you how much a day I used but it really doesn't matter, the fact is that I was using very heavily even more so than after I had lost my father.

My brother and I had to figure out what we were going to do with the house and all the belongings in it. You see my brother and I really were not getting along because of my drug addiction. My brother was the executive of my mothers will. He told me that since I was moving back home that I could have the house and whatever money was left to us that he would put into an escrow account until I got my shit together. Yes I was pissed and especially after he told me that he and mom had talked about it way before she even got sick. If you can remember me telling you that my mom was paying all my living expenses this meant that I would actually have to go work for a living. But I had a plan, I was going to sell the house because of course I didn't need a big house it was only me and I would have that money to use to get an apartment and for my recreational use of drugs. Well I need to tell you I sold the house for almost triple of what they purchased it for, I got an apartment and the rest of the money went up my nose.

To be continued.......

How I Found Recovery! Part 5

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 16 DAYS!

A TOTAL OF 5465DAYS!

Now during the course of time from getting out of rehab through the 6 months, I didn't stop using, because remember even my mother said I didn't have a problem and I knew that I didn't have a problem so there was no harm. I was smart enough not to buy it from just anyone, so a friend would hook me up so I was good to go.

Talk about a downward spiral......... I went days upon days without any sleep, I never ate which brought my weight down to 75lbs and that was soak and wet And the nice part was I didn't have to work. My mother the great enabler made sure all my bills were paid and that I had extra spending money for some of my wants, I went home occasionally to see my mom, but what I really went home for was money, and more money, and more money...... You see in my mind I had it made, I had someone willing to pay my living expenses, someone to support my habit, and I thought I looked good, hell no one my age was 75lbs. So my outlook was "look out world here I come"

After living what I thought was the "HIGH LIFE", my mom had called to tell me that she had been to the doctor. She had arthritis almost for as long as I could remember. She had two plastic hips because her hips were deteriorating. After that she seemed to live a normal life without much pain.After years of going strong, her arms and legs were starting to be effected by the arthritis. She would go and get cortisone shots to ease the pain, but after that stopped working, her doctor told her about a new medicine in the experimental stage that might help her with the pain. Well at this point she was willing to try anything to be pain free. The drug wasn't on the market yet, but she signed papers stating that she was willing try it as an experimental drug. The side effects were endless with one of them being thinning of the blood. The medicine did help but she was starting to be effected with the sign of thinning of the blood with developed into acute lymphatic leukemia. It is usually found in children so they weren't sure how they were going to treat her as an adult. The course of treatment was then decided upon using the same as for children but only increasing the dosages of chemotherapy. After 2 months of treatment she was finally in remission. She was doing so good. She took her usual trip to Atlantic City every Monday on a local bus trip with a group of her friends.(Yep I get it honest, mother loved to play the slots, father loved the horses and cards)

To be continued..........

How I Found Recovery! Part 4

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 15 DAYS!

A TOTAL OF 5464DAYS!

After the meeting with my counselor I thought to myself I need to let them hear what they wanted so at the next meeting I would prove to them that I was ready to go home. That night when I went to the meeting, I stood up and said "Hi my name is Lori and I'm an alcoholic" there really isn't much I have to say other than I'm here because I was court ordered, but that I'll be going home any day now. Everyone in the room was looking at me like right girly...... I thought to myself I never had a problem with alcohol why do I have to say I'm an alcoholic, however I continued to play the game they wanted me too. Every day I would ask my counselor when am I'm leaving and she would just say time will tell. Well this went on for another 30 days and when my counselor brought me into her office for yet another evaluation, she said to me, "I know your saying what we want to hear, however I know you don't believe what your saying". I thought "oh shit" now what..... they saw right through me. She proceeded to tell me about a girl she wanted me to meet and if it was okay with me. I thought to myself if it's going to get me out of here, I'm all for it. My counselor had set the meeting for the next day. I thought good, this girl is going to help me get the hell out of here.

I got up very early the next morning thinking to myself after I meet this chick, I'm gonna be so out of here. We met in the counselors office and we had a one on one. This chick had track marks over her whole body, ranging from her foot to her neck. All the time I was thinking I have nothing in common with her, I never used a needle. However as we began to talk she was kind of telling my story, how she had lost a friend, lost a parent and how going to school was really the only way she could function. Really the only thing different about us was our drug of choice. We talked for nearly 3 hours. After she left I thought to myself, okay maybe I have a little problem with drugs, but its nothing I couldn't control myself. After a few days I asked my counselor for a meeting, she said she had time to talk now. I went into her office and I was ready to admit that I do have a tiny problem but I really don't think being here is helping me in any way, so I was ready to go home and face society. She proceeded to tell me that she believed that I needed to stay a bit longer. I was beginning to think I would never get out of here.

Low and behold it was another 30 days before I was released from the rehab. As they were giving me a list of meetings that I should attend, because I was told to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, they also gave me my court release and told me that I needed to report to the probation office within 24 hours. I didn't remember anyone saying that I had to do that, but oh well, whatever it took to walk out the front door I was going to do.

It felt good to be home, and it felt good to have something to eat that had sugar and starches in it. I called my mom to tell her I was home, and we had a long chat about my recent mishaps. She told me she believed I wasn't a addict, she just thought that I had been through a lot with my fathers death and the loss of my friend. It's just what I needed to hear to confirm that I was right and that I didn't have a problem. I had a hard time sleeping that night, so I walk into my medicine cabinet to see if I had anything in there that would help me sleep, I didn't have any pills but I had a bottle of NyQuil, so I drank about 1/2 bottle of that and off to bed I went.

The next day I went to the probation office to see what it was I had to do to forgot that this had all happened. The probation officer that I met with told me that I had to report to him once a month for 6 months, I thought to myself no biggie. After 6 months I completed what I had to do and was released from their reins.

To be continued............

How I Found Recovery! Part 3

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 14 DAYS!

A TOTAL OF 5463DAYS!

From that point on my addiction took off in full force. I went back to work but didn't really care much, I did however care about the welfare of my patients, what I didn't care about was my well being. I was feeling guilty about leaving my mother alone and the feelings that I was trying to deal with, with the loss of my dad it was to hard for me, so I continued to self medicate. At the time I was offered to work in the ER as the charge nurse from 11 to 7 and I jumped at the chance. You see in the ER they have every kind of medication available on the market and as the charge nurse I had the authorization to the medication room. So when a patient needed any type of medicine it was one for the patient and two for me. That lasted for about 9 months before my supervisor realized that I had been taking extra medicine, so they offered me to go into a rehab. I had no other choice to go if I wanted to keep my job, so I played the game and went for 30 days. When I got to the rehab I knew I didn't have the same problem as everyone else in there, so I played the game until my time was up. The day I got out of rehab I went and bought my drug of choice which was cocaine and at this point I was more out of control than ever. I went back to work and didn't take anymore medicine at least for a few months. It wasn't until I was really sick from withdrawals when I couldn't find any cocaine that's when I went back to taking drugs from the hospital. Yep it only lasted a few weeks before my supervisor once again realized that I was taking more medication. This time they didn't offer me rehab, they brought me in front of the board of directors and suspended my license for 1 year. If after 1 year I tested clean they would reinstate my license. However it took another 5 years for me to get the license back.

After losing my job, since I had saved some money I thought the only job I had was to see how high I could get and for how long. I went on runs for days upon days and months upon months. For God's sake I was so out of it that I got a tattoo and didn't know I had it for a week. The only thing that mattered was I didn't want to feel anything for anyone and especially for myself. I didn't go home much to see my mother because I couldn't bear walking into the house without my dad being there. So I continued to bury myself in my first love, my best friend and his name was COCAINE.

It was shortly less than a year when going to buy my drug of choice that I had hit bottom, as I was walking out of the house of my dealer, the feds were busting the door down and I was arrested for possession with intent to deliver. At the time of the bust I was so high that I really didn't have a clue of what was about to happen. I was brought to jail and when I was brought in front of the judge, he asked me if I was offered a plea bargain, which I had been offered, they wanted me to turn states evidence on my dealer, which I politely said no to. They had set a bail of a million dollars on my dealer and he made it within a half hour so there was no way I wanted to be looking behind my back for the rest of my life. The judge told me since it was the first time I had ever been in trouble that he was going to cut me a break, he gave me two choices, rehab or jail. Since that was an easy choice for me I went into a rehab once again in Cumberland, Md.

I had been court ordered to this rehab until they saw fit that I could fit back into society without the use of drugs. I thought this is going to be easy after all I'm not a drug addict. For the first 30 days I was not going to admit anything because of course I wasn't anything like the people that were in there with me. You see to me a drug addict was the person standing on the street corner begging for money, or the person stealing, or the person selling their bodies for money to buy drugs, or the person sticking a needle in his arm, and the homeless person. I didn't have to do any of those things so to me I was okay, I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. They made me go to these meeting every night, and the people there were standing up staying "Hi my name is _______ and I'm an alcoholic". I thought to myself I don't have that problem, so for 1 month I sat there not really even paying attention because I had nothing in common with these folks. I was assigned a counselor and she brought me into her office to see how I was doing, of course I told her I was fine and I was ready to go home. She said to me, I haven't seen you participate in any of the meetings or the classes they made me go to, I really had nothing to say. We talked about my family and she asked if anyone knew I was here. I said of course not, it's not like I'm sick and going to die so why would I put my family through any of this, it was my problem not theirs. She told me the first step is to admit I had a problem and that I needed the support of my family. One of her request was that I call my mother to let her know where I was. She handed me the phone and she dialed the number. Shit, after all my mother had been through with the death of my father, this for sure is going to kill her. When I heard my mothers voice I said to her, sorry I haven't called you, however I'm in a rehab because I got caught buying drugs. There was a long silence on the phone, she then wanted to know when, how, and why. She said I'll call your Uncle Louie and we will get you out of this mess. I started yelling at her that I didn't want anyone else to know that all I had to do was go through this rehab for a few more days and then I'll be home. I told her I would call her when I knew exactly when I would be leaving. After hanging up the phone my counselor told me that I needed to participate in this program. I thought that would be easy, whatever you need me to do to get the hell out of here I'll do.

To be continued............

How I Found Recovery! Part 2

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 13 DAYS!

A TOTAL OF 5462 DAYS!

I had been working at the hospital for 3 years and continuing to use my drug of choice. It was a week before Christmas and I was taking a vacation to go home to Pa for the holidays, however my dad who loved horse racing was taking my mother to see her sister in NJ so that he could go to the Meadowlands, but after a big win at the track what was suppose to be an overnight trip lasted 4 days. He decided he was going to take my mother to Atlantic City, my dad loved to shoot craps and my mother had her own slot machine that she played for endless hours. They finally arrived home two days before Christmas Eve. After what was truly one of the greatest nights spent as a family I met up with my high school friends who had been friends by that time for 16 years, we were making plans for the next night to all meet up at this local bar that we would frequent during our underage years. The next day I spent with my parents doing some last minute Christmas shopping for my niece who would be celebrating her first Christmas.

After a long day of shopping we got home, my mother went to play cards with her friends whom she had played with every Friday night since I was a child and my dad would be going to the St. Cataldo club which was an Italian club where they would play nothing but pinochle. As I was getting ready I heard sirens going by the house and just at that time the phone rings and it was one of the guys from the St. Cataldo club telling me they called an ambulance for my dad who was having chest pains, as I look out the window I can see the lights of the ambulance since we lived only 1/2 block away. I hung up the phone and ran to the club, when I arrived my father was sitting on a bench saying he didn't want to go to the hospital he was okay, but the paramedic told me his blood pressure was high and they believe he was having a heart attack, so after talking my father into going he walked into the ambulance. I went with him. After waiting for the doctor to check my dad out, the doctor comes out to talk to me, he asked if I had any other family, because if I did they needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I called my mother, and my brother had also been in town for the holidays staying at his mother-in-laws and I called him. When they arrived the doctor brought us into this room and told us that my dad had a massive heart attack and that they are putting him in intensive care, once he was settled in the ICU they made us say goodnight and told us we could come back the next morning.

The next day was Christmas Eve, since they would only let two of us in at the ICU, we decided that I would take the morning visit while my mom and brother went and did some last minute things for my grandmother for her big dinner that night. When I got to the hospital my dad was up, and to me he seemed to be doing okay, he had given me all his money that he had, and he wanted me to call his bookie and bet on the Redskins for him, so I felt comfortable that he was going to be okay. In ICU they only let you stay for 15 minutes so I kissed my dad and as I was leaving the doctor asked me if he could have a word with me. He told me that my father was not doing good at all, I respond by he looks okay, even as a nurse I didn't want to hear anything if it meant that he wasn't going to make it. My dad was only 55 years old and of course he is the strongest man I know. I left the hospital feeling so empty that all I could think about was getting high and trying to get rid of what I was feeling. When I got home, my mother and brother were having coffee and I told them what the doctor said, and my mom who always tried to make us feel better said my dad is strong and that he will be okay. The next visit was at 11:30am, so my mother and brother decided they would go to that visit and I would stay home to clean the house and get ready for all the company we would be getting tonight. No sooner did they leave the phone rings and it's a friend of mine who works in the ICU and she said that we needed to get there as soon as possible that my dad took a turn for the worse. I started to shake and before I could do anything I needed to calm myself down, so of course drugs were the answer for me. I leave for the hospital and when I get there my mother and brother had this surprised look on there face as if to say what the hell are you doing here. At this point they thought there was another emergency in the ICU and that's why they were not allowed in to see my dad, no one had told them yet that my father was the emergency and that he had taken a turn for the worse and I didn't have the heart to say anything. After about 1 hour the doctor and nurse come out to tell us that my dad had yet another heart attack and it wasn't looking to good. The nurse told us that we should call a priest to give him his last rites. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mom made me call his mom who lived in Buffalo and my aunts and uncles. My grandmother was going to catch the next plane that left for Scranton and so were my uncles and aunts who lived in Buffalo also. Through the course of the day it was just to much for me to handle seeing the look on my mom's face. I had never before in my life seen her look so scared. My brother was going to pick up my grandmother, aunts and uncles from the airport and I stayed at the hospital with my mom and other relatives.My mother and I went down into the chapel to light a candle and I could remember asking God to make my father okay and if he did I would stop using drugs. When my brother got back from the airport with my grandmother, my girlfriend who works in the ICU told me I could bring my grandmother into see my dad. When we got into the room, I saw a man that I didn't even recognize since this morning he looked perfectly fine. My grandmother went to one side and I went to the other and we held his hand and he looked over at me not being able to talk and he had a tear in his eye and I lost it. As my friend who was the nurse was trying to console me, my dad was in the mist of having another heart attack and they were calling a code blue. I froze in my footsteps I couldn't move, finally one of the nurses walks me and my grandmother back out into the waiting room and I could see my mom just out of control crying, and my brother who never really showed much emotion because Italian men never cry was just sobbing. It was about 1/2 hour later the doctor came out and told us that they did everything they could do and that he was sorry for our loss. None of us could move, we were in total shock, I couldn't believe what was happening, the man that held our family together is now gone, what are we going to do, what is my mother going to do, they did everything together. My poor grandmother, having to bury a child.

I knew there was going to be tough days ahead so I needed to be prepared, and the only thing that would help me get through those days was of course for me drugs, at this point it didn't matter what kind of drugs all I knew is that I needed to take away the pain I was feeling, and since God didn't answer my prayers I thought I would show him and do whatever drug I could get my hands on.

To be continued..........

How I Found Recovery! Part1

I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 14 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, and 12 DAYS!
A TOTAL OF 5461 DAYS!

I thought I would share my story with you all of what lead me to recovery.

My Story!

I was born and raised in a small little town called Dunmore, Pennsylvania. My father was a chemist and my mother was a school teacher with the local school district. I have 1 brother who is 8 years older than me. The town I grew up in had two types of people, Italians and Irish. The Italians lived on top of the hill and the Irishmen at the bottom of the hill. So needless to say everyone knew each other in the whole town. I kind of lead a sheltered life, my father was very strict and whatever my father said my mother just went along with it. I went to a private school for grade school and when we graduated the 8th grade most of my friends were going to the local public high school, however my father wanted me to go to the Prep school so I would be away from the drugs. One thing he didn't realize was that the kids who went to the private school could afford the good drugs, so I guess this is where my story of my drug addiction begins.


The first thing I ever smoked was marijuana and boy did I love it..... but after a few months I smoked joints like they were cigarettes. It just became normal to me to get high before, during and after school and then at night I smoked, and smoked, and smoked until I fell asleep. After about a year my body was immune to weed and it just wasn't getting me high anymore, so a friend of mine whose father was a doctor told me I should take this little white pill that it would help me get through my days and boy did it, after taking a hit of speed I could conquer the world. My grades were in the high 90's so my parents would have never guessed that I was slow but sure becoming a drug addict. After my first year at the prep school my father gave in and let me go to the public high school where all my friends were.

During the course of my high school years I continued to get good grades, I was a cheerleader and in my senior year I was a class officer. I actually had the world by the tail but at that age I didn't know it. Although my parents were strict they provided all my needs and most of all my wants. When I was applying for college by father told me if I went to the local college which was the University of Scranton that he would give me a blank check to buy whatever car I wanted, so I'm sure you all know what my choice was.

My semester at the University of Scranton was less than enjoyable. You see my brother went there and was a great athletic who excelled not only in sports but also academically. So he was very well known throughout the college. I have always gotten compared to him, growing up as a child, teenage years, high school and now college. I escaped all those feelings of being less than and turned to drugs even more so then what I already was doing.. After long talks with my parents they finally agreed to let me go away to school. However the choice of school that I attended wasn't totally up to me, my father agreed to let me go to the University of Maryland only because my brother at that time was living in Maryland himself coaching basketball at one of the local High Schools. So in my fathers mind I would still have someone to watch over me. My brother was a big help with getting me connected with a job on campus, he was friends with LD so I became the team tutor. The basketball players that I tutored became like big brothers to me. Most of them liked to party and at that time being away from home for the first time ever was like giving a kid candy for the first time. There was one player in particular that I was very close to, he was an outstanding player and was drafted by the Boston Celtics, He would watch over me and make sure that I made it back to my apartment when I couldn't see two feet in front of me. He wasn't someone to do any of the things I did, he did indulge in having a few beers but he never used any kind of drugs. At this point of my life I was introduced to cocaine and it slowly became my best friend. I could remember him saying Lori you need to stop you're going to end up dying. Well we all know that we never think it could happen to us and instead of slowing down I was using cocaine very heavily. The night that he got back from just being drafted he called me and told me to come out and party with him and his friends, I told him I would meet him in about 1 hour or so, but by the time I got over to his house they were bringing him out on a stretcher and the end result was death. The word devastation is nothing compared to how I was feeling and instead of dealing with the grief and pain I medicated myself very heavily not only that night but for a lot of years to come.

I graduated from the U of M with a degree in education and began teaching in Hagerstown Md, my first class was 6th grade. I was what you call a very functional addict. I went to work everyday, paid my bills like what every grown adult does, however teaching under the influence of drugs was not such a good thing, after doing that for 2 years I began to feel really guilty, so as always I call home to ask my dad if he would allow me to go back to college for a nursing degree. It was really what I wanted to do from the beginning, but my mom talked me into following in her footsteps. Not that at this point did I need my fathers permission but I needed him to pay for it and to help me pay my living expenses so that I could continue to embrace my first love.(drugs). I choose to stay in Maryland and decided to go to George Washington University to pursue my nursing degree. I graduated two years later with a Bachelor of Science degree. I was offered a job right after graduation at GW hospital.

To be continued...........

Happy Mother's Day Mom - I Miss You

As I walked into CVS on Thursday my eyes were drawn directly to the display of Mother's Day Cards sitting inside the door. My eyes lowered and I tried to stop the tears from forming and dropping down my cheek. I won't be buying a card or deciding which flower mom will like most. The truth is she loved them all, and it took very little to bring a smile to her face. I lost mom to leukemia in February of 1993 the week after her birthday. She was only diagnosed a few months before and so quickly without much warning she was gone. I would like to ask everyone out there this weekend as we celebrate our mother's to please give your mom a hung for me. Tell her you love her, don't think she knows, just tell her. In addition to the card, flowers and other gifts you are bringing tell her something that she has given to you inside, something she gave you as a child or an adult.

You experience things in your life that make you think you can now handle anything, that there are no more surprises. Nothing could be worse then the pain you have already endured. I sat in the hospital room beside mom and I heard friend after friend come in and tell her you should be proud of your children you have done a good job and you were a great mom. She dedicated her whole life to her kids and this pain, this loss is endless.

Losing my mom has changed me forever and I miss her in every moment of the day. I find myself continually trying to find who I am each day because such a big part of me is gone. You don't realize how many times you call her just to hear her voice because it makes you feel safe. When you are in the middle of making that big dinner for the first time how she saved you from disaster. She took the scary dark nights as a child and chased all the monsters away. How she directly influenced so much of my life, the clothes I wear, my hair color, my views on men, love, and even the way I decorate my house. When I look into the mirror I can see her eyes and her smile and feel her close to my heart.

Those of you with your mom by your side celebrate her life and honor her love. For those of you who are lost on this day like me remember to cherish your memories and never stop loving your mom.

MIRACLES!!!!

What is a miracle?

It is when the impossible happens.
It’s when doctors have given up on a sick child and for no scientific reason, that child gets well.
It’s when you’re down to your last dollar, have piles of bills to be paid, and a check arrives in the mail from some unknown source.
It’s when a child is born and you can’t believe how exquisitely miniature this new life appears.
It’s when you’ve prayed for a specific purpose and that prayer is answered.
It’s when there is no earthly reason something wonderful has happened.
It's when Waffles wins the month of April in the BBT3.
It's when Aniguy gives a compliment about Lucko.

Miracles take place everyday. Sometimes they’re very subtle and quiet, sweeping in like a touch on the face. Other times, it’s very evident and public. It doesn’t matter who you are, miracles can happen to anyone.

With that being said, ROOOAAARRR to Waffles, congrats dude on taking down the month of April in the BBT3, you showed that miracles can happen. All kidding aside you played a great month of poker, you are were true to your word about becoming the nice Waffles. You won me a $100.00 from a blogger who chooses not to be mentioned.(avoiding drama), so that brings me to $200.00 for the month, the first $100.00 was with a Hoy win.

The second miracle occurred today as Aniguy and I were driving in the car, we started to talk about bloggers and he asked me who I thought were the best players, of course I gave my opinion freely, and then it happened, he gave props to Lucko. I'm sure if any of you have been at the tables with Lucko and Aniguy you all know there is no love lost there. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I asked him to say it again, and low and behold he said what I thought he said, that Lucko is a descent poker player due to the fact that he gets deep in almost any MTT he is in, it's not just all luck.

The third miracle means nothing to anyone except for myself, taking 9th place for the month of April is a big accomplishment for me. In March I finished in 79th place so to move up 70 places is somthing that I'm very proud of. I also moved up to 28th place overall, so yes I'll give myself props. I worked really hard to improve my game by reading, and asking other bloggers for advice.

The highlight of every Wednesday night is the Puuuuuuusssssssh Fests, I just love these games, it usually increases my bankroll by $80.00 or so for the week, so thank you to Buddy Dank for always getting them together.

Well thats it for now, I'm off to VA to see my brother who is having surgery tomorrow and if everything goes okay then I'm off to Mookies for the remainder of the weekend. I hope to be in Va in time to be able to play Riverchasers tonight.

Thanks for reading!